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Whisper of A Regret

In that evening, the sun dipped behind the horizon, painting the sky with a dazzling touch of scenery. But for me, the beauty of the twilight no longer has a meaning. I sat on the edge of a cliff, soft grass below, looking far out towards the fading horizon. My mind felt empty, filled with a feeling of despair that was difficult to express.

People called me Aria. I am a young person who should have had it all – a successful career, supportive friends, and a loving family. But behind my friendly smile, there are unspoken feeling of loneliness and fatigue. Every day for me feels like a struggle, a circle of darkness that never ends. So, allow me to tell you a little about a very dark personal experience of mine.

I was born into a small family that seemed harmonious. It is not an exaggeration to call it a well-off family. My father was a businessman who ran his business activities outside the city, our father often left us for weeks to earn money. Meanwhile, my mother was only a housewife and her job was only to look after the five of us. I am the first child in my family, in our culture, the first child is the child who will later become the family’s support. The first child will be tasked with replacing the father’s role in the future.

I can’t deny that I love my father more, that’s why I miss him so deeply. I often spend several hours chatting with my father when he’s out of town. Our relationship feels very close, you could even say that among my father’s children, I am the one my father loves the most. When the Covid-19 outbreak hit the world, that’s when my father could no longer go anywhere because he had to stay at home. Of course, I was very happy because my father was by our side at that time. But this didn’t long last, I often saw my father and mother fighting in front of me, sometimes it was just because of a simple matter. Until one day I found my father’s cellphone and I read a message “Honey I miss you” and it was a message from my father’s mistress.

I could immediately understand from that message that my father was having an affair. My mind was blown as to how all this could happen. After sometimes later, finally I knew that it turned out that everything had something to do with my grandmother and grandfather, it turned out that my father’s cheating was also approved by them, and my mother actually knew it. In the end, our family had a fight, but here my father realized his mistake and defended my mother more. My father still wants to maintain his love with my mother. My mother insisted on blaming my father and my grandparents. On the other hand, my grandfather and grandmother desperately supported my father. My father himself realized his mistake and defended my mother. My grandfather even threatened to kill my mother, until he brought a sharp knife. In a chaotic quarrel, my father ended up hitting my grandfather until he fainted, the situation was chaotic and uncontrollable, and the impact on my mother that she immediately got high blood pressure. One day, my sister came home with my mother in a weak condition and had to be rushed to the hospital, while my father was still at my grandfather’s house to solve the problem. From this quarrel, we have not forgiven each other until now, we are more like a family that has been torn apart. Until I wrote this article, I had never visited my grandparents’ house anymore, the people I was supposed to love.

Another depression

As if they were related to each other, problem after problem kept coming to me until it made me seriously depressed. One year in my marriage I had to discover the bitter truth that my wife had slept with several men. At first, she said that it was triggered by my cold attitude towards her. Even though I acted like that because I was very disappointed with her actions. I found not only once that she saved photos of men to use as material for her fantasies. As a husband, I never had sex with her for a month even though we are still newlyweds. Until I really understood that she was not satisfied with me.

Until one day, several times I dreamed of my wife sleeping with another man. At first, I ignored it because it could just be an ordinary dream. But because this dream has always come to me, I feel disturbed. I felt there was something strange about my wife’s attitude which always staying late at the office even though she wasn’t coming to work at that time. How do I know? Because I accidentally saw a summary of her absences on her cell phone, and there were several times she had been off from work. when she was at home, she always said goodbye to go to work, but then I knew that she was lying to me.

Finally, one day when she left work, she accidentally left her cell phone behind, that’s when I felt God wanted to show me something. And guess what, I found her booking men several times via dating application. I couldn’t even believe that she had booked a transgender too! How did I feel at that time? It’s indescribable. I immediately cried hysterically. I was confused. But behind the confusion, I tried to be wise by just calling her parents. I told them everything that your child has done to me. I’m still thinking about not telling this to my parents. Because I understand the risks. My parents could have forced me to divorce. I’m still thinking that I don’t want to divorce when we were still married for only one year.

From that incident, I became so down. Feeling incapable of being a husband. Day after day it is always haunted by something that scares me. Every time my wife works and arrives at the office, I always call her just to make sure whether she really came to work. Every time she doesn’t answer my phone, I immediately start shaking. My hands are cold, my head feels dizzy. My chest hurt until finally, I felt depressed. It’s very difficult to breathe. I also had to let go of the fact that I had to lose my job because my boss thought I couldn’t work focused. My debts are piling up because I no longer have any income.

I have felt this pressure for almost 6 months. Until one of my friends suggested that I need to see a psychiatrist for the mental disorders I was experiencing. I felt like I was at the lowest point in my life. That night, I still remember that I was ready to jump to commit suicide. I seemed to get a strong whisper in the wind, “Enough, Aria!!” the whisper continued to echo in my mind. “You don’t have to suffer anymore. You can be free from all this!”

In the depths of despair, I stood on the edge of a bridge, I cried a lot, contemplating the irreversible decision to end my own life. The weight of my struggles, the loneliness, the debt, and the overwhelming sense of hopelessness seemed insurmountable. As I prepared to take that final step, a sudden gust of wind blew against my face, jolting me back to reality. At that moment, I realized there was still a chance for things to change, and for me to find a glimmer of hope amidst the darkness.

My mind flooded with memories of loved ones – my parents, my siblings, my grandparents, and my closest friends. I couldn’t bear the thought of the pain my absence would inflict upon them. The image of my mother’s tear-stained face and heart, and I knew I couldn’t bring myself to cause them such immense grief. The love and support they had shown me throughout my life suddenly became a lifeline, a reason to keep fighting.

With a heavy heart, I stepped back from the edge of the bridge, the reason to end my life slowly fading away. I just realized that even though life seemed unbearable at that moment, there was still a chance for things to improve. Then I made a promise to seek help, to reach out to loved ones, and to find the strength to confront these demons. In that moment of clarity, I chose life, determined to find a way to heal and rebuild, knowing that my decision would not only impact my future but also the lives of those who cared for me deeply.

In the midst of a fierce inner battle, I stepped away from the cliff. I decided to seek help and talk to people who cared about me. I am very grateful that in the end I found a community called “Into the Light”, an extraordinary community that wants to accommodate people who are depressed after trying to commit suicide. Joining a rehabilitation community for people who are depressed and have attempted suicide can provide many benefits, both for themselves and for others in a similar situation. Among other things, I received emotional support, a sense of connection, a means to share, and support in the healing process.I seem to have found a new life and learned to accept myself as I am by finding happiness in everyday life. On that long journey, I learned that life is not always easy, but there is always light at the end of the darkness. And I am now determined to always cherish that light, never again let it go out.

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